i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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