i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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