I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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