he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
