Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A+ Viking dick
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
