I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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