I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
