Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just pee around me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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