"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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