there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need to stop coming to work sober
so let's talk penis.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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