Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
