tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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