We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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