can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
