This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
