You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
