i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
