What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
