I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
