I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
