You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.