Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(810): View more from Michigan

I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(937): View more from Ohio

What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?

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23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Read it at the TFLN blog
(316): View more from Kansas

toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.

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(716): View more from New York

In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??

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