just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's shark week go big or go home
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
