I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I intend to get homeless drunk
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
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You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??