apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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