It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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