Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
