You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
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Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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