I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
