So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize