I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
