I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
