And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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