A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
