Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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