Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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