Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
