Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
