it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
