I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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