He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
