I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
