I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
where are my pants?
in the oven.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
