Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
