i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
