apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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