I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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