Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
