I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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