It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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