So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
