the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
