I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
