she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
