When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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