new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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