everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
