Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
