apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
