I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
